


Ain't Nobody (Loves Me Better)

by grethan-allmance (Sapphire09)



Category: The Dolan Twins, Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Grethan, M/M, Slow Burn, love is love
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-02-01
Updated: 2019-02-01
Packaged: 2019-10-20 07:50:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 8,956
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17618426
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sapphire09/pseuds/grethan-allmance
Summary: The person closest to me will always be him.But, what if the person closest to him won't always be me?(Cross-posted in Tumblr and Wattpad)





	1. Peaceful Times

**Author's Note:**

> Also posted in tumblr and wattpad under the same name.

Ethan didn't know when it began, exactly. After all, loving Grayson was something he'd done since birth. For eighteen years, Grayson was the one constant in his life. His partner in everything, his best friend, his  _brother_. They were twins, and Ethan couldn't remember any point of his life where Grayson wasn't in it.

But, he remembered the first time he began thinking about it. Actually thinking about it, instead of simply dismissing the thought as one of the crazier fan theories, like he usually did. It was when Grayson stomped into his room, threw himself onto Ethan's bed, and screamed as loud as he could into Ethan's pillows. He would be concerned about the possible drool being spat onto  _his_ pillows, if he wasn't more concerned about Grayson's mood.

"What the fuck, dude?" Ethan asked. "What's wrong?"

In his mind, Ethan already thought about what Grayson was possibly doing. He knew that Grayson was talking with Nate concerning their upcoming tour and probably simply catching up when Ethan left them in the living room. He wondered if something happened between then and now.

"Nate is out of our tour," Grayson growled out, lifting his head and glaring at nothing with his chin propped on top of the pillow. Alarmed, Ethan stood up.

"What?! Why?" Ethan was about to go out of the room, wanting to ask the person himself.

"Don't bother, E. He's gone,  _thank fucking god,"_ the venom in Grayson's tone was what stopped Ethan on his tracks. He turned towards his brother, who was still laying on his front, clutching Ethan's pillow and still glaring. Confused and concerned, Ethan moved to sit on the bed, right beside Grayson.

"Okay. What the hell happened, Gray?" Ethan asked, trying to calm himself down. The tour is  _important_. It meant so much for both of them. They planned everything and wanted them to go on  _perfectly_. They never thought their friend wouldn't be there with them, helping them and  _sharing_  that experience. And Nate—he was always a little closer with Grayson than with Ethan, but he was still one of  _their best friends._

Grayson, instead of actually answering, just growled again and punched Ethan's pillow. Which only increased Ethan's concern.

"Okay, that's enough. Gray—Gray, give me the pillow—give me the pillow!" It took some bit of ridiculous wrestling, but Ethan did manage to wrench his pillow away from Grayson. He wondered if that was a mistake when Grayson took to glaring at him instead of the pillow. But, instead of punching Ethan in place of the pillow, Grayson seemed to wilt into himself and fell face first back onto the mattress.

Still confused and still very concerned, Ethan threw himself onto Grayson's back, determined to get the truth out of Grayson by any means necessary. Annoying him was one of Ethan's go-to tactic. Besides, Grayson never managed to keep anything from Ethan for very long, anyway. Ethan actually expected Grayson to roll over and push him off, but besides the initial 'oomph' when Ethan threw all his weight onto Grayson, he didn't move even as Ethan wiggled annoyingly to make himself comfortable on Grayson's back.

Very,  _very_ concerning.

"What happened, Gray? Tell me."

For a few seconds, Grayson didn't move. But, he then turned his head to the right, looking right at Ethan who has settled his head on Grayson's right shoulder. It alarmed Ethan that Grayson looked like he was about to cry. No tears were shed yet though, and Ethan would like to keep it that way.

"Nate talked shit about you," Grayson muttered out as if he was telling Ethan a secret. His voice was barely above a whisper, but their faces were so close there was no need to talk loudly like they usually did. Still, Ethan couldn't find anything wrong in that sentence, why Grayson looked like it pained him to tell Ethan this. They talked shit about each other all the time, to their faces. The four of them, either on camera or off camera. They all know none of them meant it.

(So sometimes Ethan still got butthurt over it, but at least he still knew they were just joking. He's just too  _sensitive_.)

"So? We do that all the time," Ethan reasoned, his own voice matching Grayson's.

"Not like  _that_ , E. You didn't hear him. God, I wanted to punch his face so bad. He was lucky I just told him to leave."

Frowning, Ethan asked, "What did he say?"

"He said something aboutgetting to see us fuck on tour."

Okay, voyeuristic, creepy, and very inappropriate. But Nate sometimes said shit like that without thinking, because that was how most boys their age were thinking. He probably was thinking about their fan base, who are mostly girls. There will be a lot of them on this tour, some of them probably would even spend a night with them, given the chance. Of course, neither Ethan or Grayson would do that. That's so inappropriate, crass, and certainly not how their mother and grandmothers raised them.

"That's inappropriate and rude to our fans. And us. But Nate sometimes says shit like that, Gray. Most  _boys_ that weren't raised by our grandmas said shit like that at least once. That's not new. We just have to remind him he was talking  _shit_. He was probably just joking."

Gray let out a frustrated groan, muffled by the mattress since he buried his head into the mattress again.

"E, he meant  _us_. As in, us,  _fucking each other_."

...Oh.

"We're twins."

Grayson nodded into the mattress.

"We're  _brothers_."

Grayson turned his head to face Ethan again, glaring now at the very obvious statement. But, he didn't say anything.

"...Natewas probably just joking. A bad joke, but a joke.  _We_ joked about it lots of times!"

"He said it at least half-seriously."

"So, maybe more than half-jokingly?"

"Does the half-jokingly part  _matter_ when he meant it at least  _half-seriously_? You didn't hear how he sounded, E."

Ethan blinked again, still trying to process it. Sure, the Grethan thing has been with them for a long time. They played it up, joked about it. Most of the time, they just thought of it as some kind of a weird fetish Thing, like with boys and their fantasies of fucking two women, usually preferably a couple of hot twins. However, most of the fans that liked and supported Grethan were actually nice people. They mostly liked how close they were, focusing on the intimacy between them rather than the sexual implication. Sure, they came across a lot of X-rated Grethan fan works too, but those people still made time  _making_ those and supporting them. So, Ethan didn't entirely mind. Neither did Grayson, as far as he knew. Besides, they  _are_ close. Even their sister and mother and  _father,_ up to their own  _grandparents_  joked on how married the both of them are, considering how much time they spent around each other and how often they argued over menial things, like a married couple.

Nate had been commenting on it, asking them how weird it was they got paired like that. He also made comments on how close they were. He usually said them with a laugh, and nothing Ethan and Grayson never heard before. Even Aaron sometimes joined in. Their closeness was always noted as weird, but so far it was noted to them being twins. Twins are usually closer than normal siblings. Nate only has normal siblings, so of course he would find it weird.

So, if Ethan was still confused why this was a problem, and why Grayson noted it as 'talking shit about Ethan', he thought he should be given some slack. Because he is still confused. Very confused.

"Okay..." Ethan trailed off. "I'm still confused."

Grayson groaned again, this time rolling over to get Ethan off his back.

"Never mind it, then," Grayson continued, now rolling off the bed to sit on the edge, leaving Ethan laying on his side. "I didn't even get to kick Nate out of the tour, he's the one backing off at the last second. Then, he talked shit, so I just told him to get out of here."

Ethan stared at the back of Grayson's head contemplatively. He'd like to know more about it, what  _exactly_ Nate had said that made Grayson so angry. But, seeing the slump of his shoulder, the hunched back as Grayson sat there, at the edge of Ethan's bed but not looking at Ethan, he wondered if it really mattered what Nate had said. Grayson would only get angry like this when he was  _hurt_. Added to that, Grayson wasn't only angry, he was frustrated too. And sad.

So, fine. Nate's out. It's not like they haven't lost friends before.

Ethan had learned, as long as Grayson was with him, he could care less about the friends they've lost.

"Okay," Ethan said. "Should we tell Aaron?"

Ethan watched Grayson let out a sigh. He wasn't sure if it was relief or defeat, but he did seem to loosen up a little.

"I'll tell him," Grayson said, before he stood up, his phone in his hand, and left Ethan's room.

Ethan was curious. And concerned. He kept wondering what exactly Nate had said, but he also wondered if it matters. He upset Grayson. That was enough.

Ethan thought that he probably should have a better reason to drop a friend, a claimed  _best friend,_ even. Clear things over in case there was a misunderstanding happening. It shouldn't be this easy for him to drop someone out of his life like that. But, after years of having friends to lose them over trivial things, things that sometimes don't even relate to them _selves_ , Ethan learned that people come and goes, friendship ends and betrayal happens, except family.

Except for Grayson.

Ethan tried to listen as Grayson called Aaron, told him that Nate won't be coming to tour with them. Said things like Nate backing off, having a family emergency. Excuses made up on the spot that didn't include things he just told Ethan. He couldn't hear very well through the walls, but it sounded like Aaron didn't ask too many questions back.

It was at this moment that Ethan started thinking about it, beyond than just a mere joke. Grayson was the person he was closest to in the whole world. He couldn't imagine having sex with him, or even guys in general. The mere thought weirded him out. But, he also couldn't imagine loving anyone else  _more_ than he loves his brother. He couldn't imagine dropping Grayson for  _anyone_ , not to the abstract idea of girls, girlfriend, or wife he would  _probably_  eventually have. He  _could_ imagine him and Grayson, decrepit and old, maybe even wheel-chair bound, but still together in a home.

Besides, he already tried the girlfriend thing before. He only felt emotionally drained and kept feeling weird that Grayson wasn't there with him. He had to remind himself it was a  _date_ , so he should talk about the movie or the dinner with his date and not texting Grayson about it. Sure, the sex was nice, but beyond that, he usually just felt tired. He didn't even bother trying again after he broke up with her, deciding his hand was perfectly usable for jacking off and less emotionally draining.

He just... couldn't see himself putting someone else above Grayson. Then again, family is supposed to be different. So, maybe he'll just know, later. Someday, when the right girl comes. After all, he's not even an adult yet. He still has a long future ahead of him.

When Grayson came into Ethan's room again, Ethan just spread his arms on the bed, wordlessly inviting Grayson for a cuddle. Grayson just slumped on himself before falling back onto the bed, right above Ethan. His head hit Ethan's stomach, which  _ow_ , before he just tucked his legs and settled his arms, tangling with Ethan's torso and arm, and fell asleep there. Ethan, already used to this particular quirk, just distracted himself on his phone, took ridiculous pictures, edited more pictures, privately send some of them to their parents and sister because they liked this kind of thing and thought they were cute.

At least their family didn't think  _they_ were weird.    

 

**TBC**


	2. The Next Start

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It begins with a simple thought.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Cross-posted at tumblr and wattpad under the same name

After Tour (so much fun, not yet perfect, but they'll make it perfect next time), they never contacted Nate again. Ever. Grayson still hadn't told him yet what Nate said about him, but Ethan honestly didn't care. After the long tour, after exploring the world, after the news about their dad, he actually kind of... forgot. Aaron was probably still in contact with Nate, but they were always busy enough that he usually only had time to sometimes tell them "Nate said hi," without needing their reply.

Aaron only noticed something was wrong around the last month of their tour when Nate finally asked him why he couldn't contact either Ethan or Grayson, since they've actually blocked Nate's number from their phone. Grayson admitted he felt a little guilty about it, and also about never explaining anything to Aaron. But Ethan honestly didn't, even though he didn't have all the information yet. Besides, it was bad enough to anger Grayson, so fuck him.

Aaron was concerned though and tried to mediate, trying to make sure it wasn't just a misunderstanding. Ethan had thought it might be possible since Grayson hadn't explained fully to him, but misunderstanding or not, Ethan already didn't care for Nate. He was mostly indifferent. If Grayson wanted to reconnect with Nate, then Ethan... wouldn't probably like it, wouldn't really care for it, but he'll stand by him. If not, well, he won't miss Nate either.

He did pity Aaron who seemed to be stuck in the middle, though. He didn't know what happened and apparently, Nate was also confused to why they suddenly cut off all contact with him. Ethan didn't offer much explanation because, well, he didn't know either. Grayson only told Aaron about different people and drifting apart. Different mindset and whatnot. Just a lot of... well, maybe not entirely bullshit, but still at least 1/3 bullshit.

Eventually though, a few weeks after their Tour was over and they were back at their apartment in LA, Grayson told Ethan what Nate had said.

"He said you cling to me too much," Grayson said while they were laying together on the couch, Ethan laying on his back with his head on the armrest with his phone in front of him, while Grayson was laying on top of him, head on Ethan's right shoulder. His right hand was clutching his own phone, though he wasn't looking at his phone. He wasn't looking at Ethan either when he glanced down at him. He was staring at some random point of Ethan's left shoulder.

"Who said?" Ethan had to ask because Grayson had started that conversation randomly and despite the myth about twin telepathy, that wasn't an actual thing that happens beyond coincidence. Or habit.

"Nate. That was what he said."

_Nate? What about Nate?_

_O_ _h._

"...That I cling to you too much? Did he get us backward?" Ethan gestured with his free hand to their position. "And, how does that even relate to us  _fucking_?"

"He also didn't understand why I always did whatever you said or whatever you dared me to do, even off-screen. Even when I initially said no, I'll eventually do them anyway."

"...Okay? So, he was saying I'm a bad brother? I still don't get where the fucking thing came from."

Ethan could feel it when Grayson seemed to sink into himself.

"He asked if you ever dared me something extreme. If you ever did something I didn't want to me. He implied it, like, sexually, mostly, but other ways too. He even added if it means we will, at the tour, fuck each other."

Ethan... didn't know what to feel, actually. Surprise, maybe. Shock, mostly. Like, what the  _fuck_? That was so messed up! That Nate, who spent so much time with both of them, would think Ethan would do something like that to Grayson? Like, _what the fuck!?_

"Nate fucking said  _that_!?"

Grayson shrugged, head still firmly plastered on Ethan's shoulder despite Ethan shifting in his shock. Still not looking at Ethan.

"Not in so many words."

Still, what the fuck!?

"What the  _fuck_!?" Ethan repeated aloud because it just... does not  _compute_.

Sure, he made Grayson do stupid things. A lot of stupid things. Reckless things. Things that their mother had actual headaches for. Things that sometimes got them yelled at because of how fucking stupid it was. But—fuck! What the actual  _fuck_!

"That's why I got so mad at him. He did add that he was just joking, but I was just so mad about what he said that I told him to get out. I didn't want to turn to violence, so I didn't even get to punch him even though I really wanted to. I just... told him to get out."

Grayson finally looked up, lifting his chin from Ethan's shoulder to finally look at him, face to face.

"Should I've punched his face?"

Grayson looked like it really bothered him. There was a little frown on his face, his eyebrows scrunched together like the thought of not punching Nate's face was stressing him out. And yeah, maybe Nate would've deserved it.

But...

"Dad wouldn't like it, though. You know he never liked it when we turned to fist fights. He never wanted us to be the kind of guys that turn to violence as an answer."

Grayson huffed, laying his head back on Ethan's shoulder. Talking about their dad always made them a little morose nowadays, but he assured them he was fine, and he  _was_ fine. So  _far_. They couldn't help but worry anyway.

"Fuck Nate," Ethan said decisively. "He's not worth causing drama on. He's just—whatever. We have more important things to think about rather than him."

Grayson let out a laugh against Ethan's shoulder. Ethan automatically smiled at that.

"Yeah, you're right. Fuck Nate."

"I'm always right, Grayson. You should know that by now."

The light punch Grayson landed on his ribs was uncalled for, so of course Ethan had to retaliate. Soon enough, the fell to the floor and somehow got to rolling around the floor. By the time they were out of breath from their wrestling, Ethan was well and truly don't give a fuck about Nate. And he could tell, so did Grayson.

* * *

Of course, just because Ethan deemed that problem was over and done with, it didn't mean it was truly over. Grayson was already over it, it seemed. But, somehow, Ethan's brain refused to give it up.

Nate spent a lot of time with them. He truly doesn't care about Nate himself, but his mind still latched on what Grayson told him. That Nate could perceive him as someone so horrible. That he would—

"So, what do you think we should do for our next video?" Grayson asked, lounging on the couch with his head on Ethan's shoulder like normal.

Ethan's mind began to wonder if this isn't normal. They don't do this with Cameron, their sister. Then again, Cam was never as touchy-feely as the both of them. Among the three of them, Grayson was the most touchy-feely. He loves contact. Ethan... mostly tolerates them. He didn't crave them the way Grayson seemed to, but he's used to contact. He was used to  _Grayson_ , since he was usually the target of Grayson's touch by proximity alone. They cuddle when they were still rooming together, still does even after they have their own rooms. Even now, even as they reach their teens, that didn't really stop. Grayson's touch felt mostly like his own by now.

_Should I feel more annoyed?_

Ethan was startled out of his own thought when Grayson suddenly slapped his chest.  _Hard_. So hard that the smack actually seemed to resound through the room.

"Ow! What the hell?" Ethan groused, fingers already rubbing the spot Grayson hit. Grayson actually gasped, both hands covering his mouth when the sound rang, his body already moving to embrace Ethan as an instinctual apology. Still, he was laughing as he said his sorries, and it wasn't like the initial burn lasted long. The startlement was worse, Ethan thought.

"It's your fault!" Grayson accused with a snicker, hands and arms still circling Ethan's shoulder and torso. "You weren't listening!"

Ethan frowned and retaliated with a hit on Grayson's shoulder, which didn't let out a satisfying smack at all. Grayson let out an exaggerated ow, but since he was still laughing it obviously didn't hurt.

So, of course Ethan had to get low. He turned it to a tickle war. Ethan laughed mischievously as Grayson kept asking for mercy. After Ethan finally ceased his attack, Grayson leaned back again against Ethan's side, giggling tiredly

"Pizza?" Ethan asked, feeling hungry after their fight. Ethan could feel Grayson shrugging, shifting against his shoulder, still a little short on breath after all the forced laughing.

"Sure. I want pepperoni."

Ethan pulled out his phone, about to order from their usual place, with their usual order. Grayson's weight on his side barely registers anymore. For a while, Ethan forgot what he was so worried about.

* * *

For a while, nothing else happened, besides them feeling stifled by LA. After the high of finishing their tour was over, after being surrounded by fans that liked them, genuinely liked them, after feeling their support, seeing the happiness in their face, returning to their apartment felt bleak.

The thing was, they had nothing to do in their apartment. They barely had any friends in LA. Pushing Nate away meant the number of friends they had dwindled to Aaron. And Aaron...has been distant since their tour finished. He would still answer when they call, but he's been busier too. Sure, they also have other friends, somewhat, but they just weren't as accessible as Aaron or Nate was.

They were stressed. LA didn't seem like the dream living they wanted anymore. Making videos, working on their channel, didn't feel as fun as before. They were starting to wonder, just what exactly they were hoping to reach? What the hell were they  _doing?_ They couldn't even form a decent idea anymore.

Maybe, this was it.

This was all they could do. This was their  _limit_.

The thought was...  _God_ , so depressing. Their future seemed so  _bleak_. They're minors, they probably won't ever graduate high school too. Besides Youtube, what else could they  _do_?

"Hey, E," Grayson suddenly asked. Both of them were laying on the floor. Even their playfighting couldn't lift up their mood. It only left them feeling tired and lethargic. Ethan ended up just laying there, an arm on top of his eyes, hiding the world at large from his sight. Grayson simply laid himself on top of Ethan, his warm weight was something of a comfort. Grayson's head was tucked on Ethan's shoulder, his arms holding Ethan in a grounding embrace.

"You ever thought about our dream house again? You know, when we were little?"

Ethan does remember that.

"The one with foam pits, trampoline, and everything?" Ethan asked back, slowly removing his arm to look down at Grayson. His brother was already looking up, a small grin on his face.

"Yeah. What if we just... do it? We need a change, anyway."

The prospect of change, as always, a little terrifying. But, Grayson's face was filled with hope, and Ethan also felt it, the tentative hope that maybe, this is what they need to keep moving  _forward_.

So, they discussed it with their parents. They discussed it with their sister. They discussed with everyone in their family and they, especially their dad, wanted to help them.

They got their warehouse.

And everything felt alright in the world again.

 

**TBC**


	3. Fracture

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It starts with a touch, denied.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Cross-posted at tumblr and wattpad.

For a while, things were good for both of them. The warehouse was their best move ever. Their creativity and productivity felt like in their all-time best. They were meeting new people, trying out new things,  _doing_ new things. And, most of all, they were having  _fun_.

Of course, Ethan's brain had to ruin their high.

He couldn't remember how or what prompted it, but somehow touches that he didn't really notice before became noticeable to his brain. Not while it was happening, but when he edited their video. He usually didn't focus on their touch, instead of how to make the video more interesting. Cutting off parts to make the video more to the point, to keep the whole video interesting without being too long. But, somehow, at one time he took note when he never did before.

The number was staggering.

Every movement, every gesture, seemed to serve as an excuse to have a hand stray somewhere on their bodies. Of course, Grayson was the one that mostly touches him, but Ethan also touches Grayson a  _lot._  More than he actually thought.

He even compared them to their past unedited videos. Their unedited collabs. He couldn't help noticing a pattern.

Grayson was always more comfortable with physical contact, no matter who initiated it. Meanwhile, Ethan saw himself leaning away slightly from whoever that wasn't Grayson. For all the contact sports they've done, Ethan always has a different level of comfort between casual touches and touch meant for sport. It wasn't really noticeable, but Ethan knew himself. He was a little uncomfortable, though he managed to hide it for the camera. Cam was probably the only guest in their channel Ethan didn't lean away from, but she  _is_ their sister.

(He was just keeping a normal, personal space. Grayson was obviously a different matter altogether)

Another thing he noticed was, even with a person between them, he and Grayson would still manage to find a way for unplanned contact. Everything was subconscious, because Ethan didn't even realize this was happening.

It was cute when they were younger. But, now that they're growing, that  _he's growing,_ he was starting to see why so many of their peers thought they were weird.

No siblings, not the ones they've seen from their fellow youtubers, ever touch each other as much as he and Grayson had. The only ones that come as close were couples and  _married_ couples instead.

(Cameron always joked how  _married_ they were, teasing them, but it was  _Cam_ so it was okay. They were  _in_ on her jokes. But, other people... they said it as if they were doing something  _wrong_.)

This realization was, perhaps, a  _start_. Without really realizing it, Ethan began cutting off the parts where they hug or touch if it didn't include a dialogue that needed to be kept in. He didn't exactly know why he did it. After all, nothing had changed since before this realization. He told himself that he was just trying to keep the duration short, not overly long like the videos he usually skipped. To keep it compact, fun, entertaining, andnot  _boring_. Them touching a lot was, in no way, more important than the other parts of the video. Even then, he knew they still touch a  _lot_  on screen. Ethan didn't touch the parts Grayson edited, so a lot still ended up on video.

So, Ethan started to consciously limit their physical contact, at least in front of the camera.

(In hindsight, he shouldn't have done that.)

It began with a hand, shrugged off from Ethan's shoulder. It wasn't the first time Ethan shrugged Grayson's arm from his shoulder, so Grayson didn't react. He still kept his hand to himself and kept talking as if it didn't happen. Of course, Grayson being Grayson, it only lasted for a few seconds before Grayson's arm was on Ethan's shoulders again. He couldn't be sure if Grayson was messing with him or he just didn't realize he was doing it again (but it was just Grayson being his usual self). Ethan felt bad even though Grayson didn't seem to be hurt or offended, he probably didn't realize what happened. But, when the arm seemed to stay for too long, Ethan shrugged it off again.

Grayson frowned, though he did pull his arm back. Ethan could see Grayson seemed to get a little confused. Ethan convinced himself that shrugging Grayson's hand wasn't weird. They were brothers, there were times when they got annoyed at each other, when they couldn't stand each other. He was sure he had done it plenty of times before. This was... just like that.

But, the weird, uncomfortable feeling in his stomach told him something  _was_ different.

Grayson didn't mention it, but he kept on frowning and looking confused. He kept his arm to himself, but he didn't continue to speak.

"What?" Ethan asked when Grayson continued his silence. "You said you wanna say this part. Go on, continue."

Grayson frowned before he looked away from Ethan and faced straight towards the camera.

"You do it," Grayson said, "I don't feel like it anymore."

The uncomfortable feeling grows, but Ethan put on a confused smile (though later as he was editing he thought it looked more like a grimace) and replied with an "Okay...?"

As Ethan repeated the parts Grayson had said and what he was supposed to say, he could see Grayson smiling for the camera, a smile that Ethan knew looked so fake, it might've well been plastic. But, he kept it up, staring right at the camera. Not looking at Ethan.

Ethan wondered if they should just repeat the whole segment all over again. Their fans might not notice (or maybe they will, they were so  _observant_ about the weirdest thing), but Ethan didn't like how Grayson's smile looked. But, they don't have much time. They needed to finish filming and start editing soon, or they'll miss their Tuesday deadline.

After the outro was done and Ethan was about to remove the camera, get the footage ready for editing, Grayson suddenly asked, voice full of concern.

"Hey, what's wrong?"

Ethan was expecting the question. Still, he was caught off guard. He was—all he was doing was shrugging Grayson's arm off. It wasn't—anything.

It didn't mean anything.

"Nothing's wrong," Ethan said. Because nothing is. It was just—a shrug. Ethan busied himself with removing the camera from the tripod, while he could feel Grayson staring at him. "Why?"

"I don't know," Grayson said back. Ethan still busied himself with the camera, so he didn't have to look at Grayson. But, he could feel his twin's stare drilling at his back. "Something just felt weird."

Ethan laughed, though he knew he wasn't fooling anyone, especially not Grayson.

"Maybe you're the one being weird," Ethan retorted nonsensically. "You're being stupid Grayson."

"Don't be an asshole," Ethan expected the light smack to the back of his head, figured he kind of deserved it, so he didn't bother to retaliate. "I'm worried for you, shithead. Something really felt off there."

"What, because I shrugged you off?" Ethan let out an annoyed sigh. "Are you being a sensitive little bitch right now? This is not the first time I shrugged you off in front of the camera."

"Dickhead," he heard Grayson mutter. "You know what, fine. Whatever. I'm tired and I'm going to sleep. Good night, Ethan."

"Good night," Ethan replied automatically. "I love you."

Ethan heard Grayson sigh. For a terrible half-second, Ethan thought Grayson won't say it back.

"Love you, too."

After Grayson was gone, Ethan let out a relieved sigh. He didn't understand why he was so relieved. Grayson  _always_  said it back, no matter how terrible their fighting was.  _Always_.  _Ethan_ was the one that sometimes won't say it, that  _once_ didn't say it, because he was being a little  _bitch_  about what others said about him and Grayson. About their closeness that people kept saying was  _weird_.

Ethan let out an annoyed sigh, annoyed at  _himself_. Why should he care about what other people think? Grayson never did. It was just all stupid masculinity bullshit. Why couldn't he just—

If he wasn't holding a camera, he probably would've punched something. He was certainly feeling the urge to. Or scream. But, if he does, Grayson would hear it and know something was wrong.

_Ugh_ , Ethan didn't even know yet  _what_ that something  _was_.

"...This is fucked up," he muttered to himself. And all he did was shrugging Grayson's arm. But, the uncomfortable feeling in his stomach made him feel as if he was doing something worse. Like accidentally killing Grayson's pet goldfish or something.

Ethan stared at the camera still in his hands. He decided to just do things, one at a time. A method that has been proven effective whenever he got confused and feeling trapped. First, he should just move the footage into their shared drive so they can start editing whenever. Then he'll see what he'll do after.

"Good job, Ethan," he muttered again, heading towards his room. "You're not being a bitch  _at all_."

* * *

Grayson woke up that morning with an arm thrown around his waist and the warmth of another person behind his back. Even before he turned around, he already knew it was Ethan on his bed. And not a creep.

Well, he hoped.

He checked around, the palm of his hand finding the arm wrapped around his waist. Feeling it up, feeling the hairs and skin and warmth and the unique ridges. 

Yup. It's Ethan.

Grayson let out a groan as he shifted, trying to get up. The arm around his waist inexplicably tightened when he was about to get up though, pulling him back towards the bed. It startled him enough that he just fell back.

_What the fuck_ , Grayson mouthed to himself, surprised. He looked back, but Ethan was still in deep sleep. He wasn't waking up or messing with him. He was, honest to  _God,_ still  _fucking asleep._  And yet—

Grayson tried again. The arm tightened again. Grayson tried to shift. The arm still tightened. Grayson stopped moving. The arm relaxed.

_....How the hell is Ethan stronger when he's asleep than when he was awake?_

The absurdity of his situation made him giggle a little. He'd mess with Ethan, but he also needs the bathroom.

Well, he can do both.

" **WAKE UP**!!" Grayson yelled right to Ethan's ear, startling him into letting Grayson go. Grayson laughed as Ethan groaned, turning away from Grayson and burrowing himself deeper into the pillow.

"Shaddap...," Ethan mumbled out sleepily, still not opening his eyes. "Ten more minutes..."

Grayson laughed again, getting out of the bed now that he was free. He grabbed his pillow and threw it hard at Ethan as he was heading towards the bathroom. He could hear Ethan's muffled groan when the pillow hit him, probably his face, and Grayson let out another laugh.

When he came back to his room, Ethan was still sleeping soundly in his bed. He had turned again so he was facing the empty space Grayson left. Only, now he was cuddling Grayson's pillow tight in his arms, his nose buried in it. His lips were slightly parted and Grayson had to wonder if he has to worry about Ethan's drool on his pillows.

Grayson grinned and pulled out his phone and opened the camera app, because Ethan looked cute and this was something snapchat-worthy. Though, he also wondered why Ethan slept in his room. They don't sleep together often lately, not since they turned 17. When they did, usually it was only when one of them had a nightmare or after a tiring day of filming or editing, where they just went to whoever's room was closest.

Oh, well. He slept well, he's in a good mood, and Ethan looked cute. Any other day, he'd probably pushed and pulled and slapped Ethan out of bed to wake him up or just to be annoying, or both. But, he's feeling good this morning and they have nothing pressing to do today. So, instead of bothering Ethan and annoy him to wakefulness, he took a selfie with Ethan sleeping on his bed in the background and posted it. He then went back to the empty space he left, taking care not to jostle the bed too much, and took another selfie with his head laying close to Ethan's and sent the picture to their family's group chat, grinning all the while.

When Ethan wakes up, he'll have to deal with their whole family cooing over Grayson's selfies. He'll probably be annoyed at Grayson for the rest of the day since he gets weirdly embarrassed over getting caught doing cute shit. Still, looking at the pictures he took for himself, it'll be worth it.

Grayson grinned again when he felt a hand settling on his shoulder.

It really was a good morning.

 

**TBC**


	4. Fraying Edges

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I can't be me without you.
> 
> But you are you, even when I'm not with you.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Cross-posted at tumblr and wattpad.

Try as he might, Ethan still felt like the metaphorical thread between him and Grayson was starting to deteriorate. Fraying at the edges and he was left...  _stranded_.

_"Eth, what's wrong?"_

It wasn't anything that happened immediately. It was a gradual thing. Ethan didn't even realize until he was already feeling the distance between them, a distance that was never there before. A distance that has been growing and Ethan didn't realize it until it was already too wide.

_"What the hell, Ethan? Why are you so weird lately?"_

_"Okay, asshole. What the_ fuck  _is going on with you?"_

It always started with  _touch_. Out of nowhere, he started to become more conscious of the touch between them. It probably would've been fine if it only happens in front of the camera, but it  _didn't_. It bled into their daily life, turning what was once a gesture of comfort and  _normal_  into something  _else_. Not only that, he noticed how...  _possessive_ he started feeling, as they met more and more people and their distance  _grew_. The feeling was familiar, he felt something like that when they were younger and Grayson was better liked by the people around them. Back then, he  _knew_  without a doubt Grayson was  _his_ , as much as he was Grayson's. It didn't use to matter how many people held Grayson's attention, each and every one of them was always fleeting and temporary.

_"Why are you being such an asshole lately? Is something going on? Talk to me, Ethan."_

But now, the same feeling left him feeling  _ugly_ , the need and the  _want_ to make Grayson pay attention to him and only  _him,_ and he ended up both trying to push Grayson away or pull him in and never letting go. He felt like a clingy girlfriend that needed to know what Grayson was doing, every minute of every day, even though they were  _always together anyway._

_"Eth, whatever is going on with you, I can't help you if you don't talk to me."_

_"You fuckin' asshole! What the fuck!?"_

He wanted to reach out, but he kept himself back. He wanted to lean into Grayson's touch, but he shied away instead. He wanted to  _talk,_ but the words couldn't form what he wanted to say. His emotions were all over the place, his thoughts and feelings warred with each other. He was second-guessing everything and Grayson... was having  _none_ of it.

_"_ _**Fuck you, Ethan** _ _."_

The thing was, he  _still_  didn't understand what was going on with himself. All he knew was the distance between him and Grayson was growing, and he had no idea how to  _stop_ it.

* * *

Grayson didn't understand why Ethan kept doing what he was doing.

Ethan kept shrugging him off in front of the camera, which was okay. There were days when he just didn't want to handle another person in his space. Just like his weird food-sharing thing, Grayson wasn't an exception. He knew that between them both, he's the one that touches people a lot more. Their friends had commented on that, and usually, it was also why they seemed to be more comfortable with Grayson than with Ethan. He just didn't exude the low-key, general 'don't touch me' vibe the way Ethan did.

When Ethan was in one of his moods, Grayson sometimes directed some of his touchy-instinct towards Cam or their mom or their dad or their grammies, when they were in New Jersey. Or their closest friends, when they had those within touching distance. Besides, when Ethan was in this mood, he still tolerated touch if it was Grayson. They live together and do everything together. Grayson touch people close to him impulsively, so it was impossible to avoid touching, no matter what mood Ethan was in.

The point was, Grayson understood when Ethan just wanted some space. They were still two separate people, so even though Grayson always feeling a little dejected, he  _understood_ that was how Ethan was. When they were much younger, Grayson didn't like it when Ethan's mood happened. He would keep prodding and bothering him until Ethan relented, either in extreme annoyance, anger or defeat. As they grew, he learned to just follow Ethan's lead. Now, he decided he should try to just let Ethan be. Let him do what he needed to do. Grayson could use the time to see how it is to do his own thing, without Ethan.

They're very close and Grayson is proud of that. He likes the thought that there was no one closer than him and Ethan. But, he also knew they can't do the living together thing forever. Someday, they'll have their own families. By their next birthday, they'll be 18 already. They'll be legal adults in most states, including California. That means he has to be more responsible for himself, be more independent. He didn't want to get left behind by Ethan, left stranded and not knowing what to do by himself when Ethan eventually decided  _he'd_  like to live on his own, get his own place as Cam did.

That was a part of growing up, she also said. Him and Ethan, they  _are_ still  _growing_.

The one week away from each other had taught Grayson how dependent he was of Ethan and his presence with him. He didn't like how  _grey_ the days were, even though he knew it was only temporary. For those five days, as much as he tried to have fun, he could only think about having Ethan there with him and feeling depressed when he forgot and then remembered Ethan wasn't with him. He had gotten so anxious that it was only because Cam was with him to calm him down that he didn't get any serious anxiety attacks.

If he has to live separately from Ethan eventually, then he has to get used to it somehow. Grayson doesn't want to be clingy and dependent on Ethan. Maybe by then, they can have separate projects, in addition to their channel.

He didn't like the thought of separation. But, he also didn't like it when Cam left for college. Didn't mean he couldn't live with it. And, as much as he didn't was to get used to the feeling either, he didn't want to learn to get used to it when it already became an inevitability.

He knew people will grow apart. Their old friends did. Family doesn't, and Grayson took comfort in that. He wanted that with Ethan too, to be able to live separately but never really  _apart_. For all their childhood dreams about growing up and living in the same plot, be neighbors and all, they don't know how their future will be. Because, right now, with Ethan pulling away from him more and more, seemingly sick of Grayson's presence already, he had to wonder if their dreams are just going to be that, dreams.

He just thought he'd have more warnings because now he just kept on wondering  _why_?

Why now? Why like this? And why Ethan kept acting like he couldn't stand to be in the same  _space_ with Grayson at one minute, then acting like he  _needed_ Grayson within his sight at  _all_   _times_? Is he having some problems with something? Is this a game Ethan was playing?

And Ethan kept being such an  _asshole_. He kept putting Grayson down, belittling him for  _no reason at all_. Pushing him away yet still goaded him for reasons  _Grayson just couldn't fathom._ Sure, they roasted each other, made fun of each other all the time, but something felt different _._  Ethan's barbs were sharper, more  _hurtful_  instead of playful. While Grayson would like to think it was just Ethan being an  _insecure little shit_ , it doesn't mean he would let himself be Ethan's metaphorical  _punching_ bag. He'd rather had Ethan to just  _talk_ to him. Ethan should know Grayson would  _never_ judge him (besides maybe for his terrible taste in clothing and hair).

It was bad enough that Grayson kept needing to either lock himself in his room or going out  _without Ethan_  just so he wouldn't strangle the man. He'd feel guilty after even though he understood it would still be Ethan's fault, but he was  _seriously considering it._  He wouldn't let himself be anywhere near Ethan when he was that annoyed, that angry, because instead of their usual tussle, one of them will most likely end up in ER and another one would probably end up in jail.

Grayson didn't wanna go to jail.

Added to that, they still have videos they need to film. Grayson was thinking they should probably film something that doesn't require them to be in the same room, for the sake of his own fluctuating stress level. For all they still have their more peaceful moments, things were more often tense between them. Grayson was frustrated and tired of Ethan's bullshit, and Ethan kept acting like his bullshit was no big deal. And maybe, for him, it wasn't.

But, Grayson was hurt and he really wanted to hurt back.

Only, Grayson lacked the conviction of  _actually_ hurting Ethan, no matter how much Ethan had hurt him. He could only get back at him by ignoring him or doing the silent treatment. Which would work better if he could  _actually_ ignore Ethan for an extensive amount of time without himself getting lonely. Silent treatment only worked until Ethan managed to coax a smile out of Grayson, which somehow Ethan did far too easily for Grayson's liking.

At least that trait of Grayson meant he didn't have to pretend too much in their videos, no matter how tense they were behind it. In front of the camera, he could just focus on what they were doing. Cut off the parts where they fought like usual. Cut off the moments where Grayson just couldn't hold onto his smile. Re-shoot some parts they needed to put the video together. Follow Ethan's lead without actual anger showing on his face.

Still, he wished he could stay  _angry_ at Ethan and not feeling guilty about it, then getting  _angry_ at himself for feeling  _guilty_.

_"Why don't you get your own apartment, then?"_ Cameron asked when Grayson called her to vent one morning while having breakfast alone.  _"Just a small one, one-bedroom kind. So you can have your own little man-cave for when_ you're  _stressed. You know, just a place where you don't have to face Ethan's bullshit. It's not like you_ don't  _have the money for it. Mom and dad will understand."_

Okay, so despite having been thinking about it, Grayson still feels shocked that Cameron would actually advise that. He actually choked a little on his pancake. And besides, getting an apartment, isn't that like, a setback?

"I can't leave Ethan!" Grayson was a little surprised that he actually felt scandalised by the mere mention of it. "And besides, us living together is good for our videos! We can make videos whenever this way. If we start living apart, then we have to consider the traveling time, which can waste actual filming time. There's also the editing. It's just easier if we just stay together! Besides, getting an apartment when we finally left ours? We're finally saving up to buy ourselves an actual house! Getting an apartment, that's like, moving backward instead of forward!"

_"Just a thought, Gray. I didn't even mean for you to leave the warehouse permanently. Don't get your panties up in a twist,"_ Cameron said back. _"I meant, just so you can have a place you can get away from Ethan for a bit, a place you don't have to share with him. Besides, you're the one venting at me like you can't stand to live another minute with him."_

"I—well, he was being  _such_ an  _asshole_!"

_"And you're a very stubborn person. If you were any less stubborn, you would've given up on him and gotten your own place already. I know I'd leave that asshole a long time ago if I'm the one living with him, brother or not."_

"...I—I'm not sure if you're complimenting me or making fun of me..."

_"Pick whichever. Anyway, are you done venting?"_

" _...Y_ eah, okay. I'm done," Grayson sighed. He didn't feel much better, but he did feel a little lighter. At least Cam was in the mood to listen to him rant.

_"Good. I need to go now. Bye, Gray."_

"Bye, Cam. I love you."

_"Ugh, no, shithead."_

Grayson let out a short laugh just as the call ended. Cameron really doesn't change, so allergic to cheesy shit. By now, Grayson already considered her 'shithead' as her version of 'I love you, too'.

Well, at least now he knows actually leaving Ethan is out of the question. So, there's also that.

He was just about to put his phone back into his pocket and continuing his delicious, yet lonely breakfast (but the pancake and the milkshake here are good shit, so that's something) before his phone rang again.

_Ethan_.

Grayson didn't feel like answering. It was a little surprising, he thought Ethan would still be asleep for a couple more hours. Actually, since it was still 10.47 a.m. now that he checked on the time, that was  _really early_ for Ethan.

Huh. That's unusual. Wonder what's up.

The asshole probably just wanted him to buy some breakfast on the way. Or coffee. Or do whatever errands Ethan didn't feel like doing. Or all three, he wouldn't put it past Ethan. He really contemplated it, pretend like his phone was on silent or something. He was having a delicious and peaceful, albeit lonely, breakfast, and he didn't feel like facing Ethan's mood yet.

The phone kept ringing for another five seconds, so Grayson answered. Ethan would worry otherwise.

_"Where are you?"_

"Why, hello Ethan. Good morning to you too," Grayson greeted sarcastically. "I'm having breakfast right now, at that pancake house I said I wanted to try."

_"You didn't wake me?"_

"I didn't feel like arguing with you this morning."

_"...Okay. What are you having?"_

Grayson stared at his half-eaten pancakes, dribbled in chocolate syrup and garnished with fresh strawberries. Then, at his chocolate milkshake complete with whipped cream and cherry on top.

"Pancakes," Grayson answered matter-of-factly. "And a milkshake."

_"No, I mean what kind?"_

"Strawberries," Grayson answered shortly. "And it's good and I wanna finish it, so unless you wanna hear me chew through the phone, tell me what you want already."

_"Wait, you're eating there?"_

"I think I already implied that when I said  _I'm having breakfast,_ Ethan. Seriously, I wanna finish this. Are you done?"

_"Who are you with?"_

Grayson started to feel incredulous. Just, what's with the 20 questions? And besides, just who exactly Ethan thought Grayson could've brought? They barely have any friends!

"No one, Ethan."

_"...Well, that's sad. And pathetic"_

_Asshole._

"I'm hanging up."

_"No, wait!"_

Grayson waited.

_"I—bring me some too. And the milkshake."_

"Okay, cool. Your usual?"

_"Yeah_."

"Okay. That's all?"

_"Yeah, that's it."_

"Alright, cool. Bye, E."

_"Bye. I love you."_

Grayson blinked. They don't usually end their phone calls with 'I love you's because of how often they call each other. So often they don't even say goodbyes, sometimes. Hell, they were both could be in the warehouse and they'd call each other if they were too lazy to get out of their rooms and didn't feel like shouting. Still, Grayson could feel his irritation melting, which was probably what Ethan had intended.

"I love you, too," Grayson replied anyway. He let Ethan be the one to hang up, which took another 3 seconds, which felt weird. He wondered if Ethan had something else to say.

Nah, probably not. Besides, even if he did, whatever it was he can tell Grayson at the warehouse later.

After putting his phone back into his pocket, Grayson called up the waiter, ordering for Ethan's usual favourite to go. He waited for it as he finished up his breakfast.

After he was done, food paid and Ethan's order already packed in his hand, Grayson contemplated going somewhere else for a bit, just to be obnoxious. But, he really didn't have anywhere else to go or needed going. And, going anywhere without an actual destination is hell with a car, especially with L.A. traffic. Really, no other destination but going back home.

Okay, so maybe Cam's advice  _wasn't_ so crazy, after all. Having a secret apartment would probably good by now.  _If_ he can keep it a secret from Ethan, anyway. Which, yeah... That probably wouldn't work.

Grayson sighed and went straight to his car, muttering heatedly to himself.

"You are  _so lucky_ I love you, fuckin' asshole."

 

**TBC**


End file.
